Angel Woodings

Moving my Journal

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 19:01:50 GMT

Well, I've been wanting to host my own journal for almost a year now, and I finally set up all the files over the past two days.

It'll be fun having a new journal.

Anyways, go to http://www.angelsdesk.com/ for the home of my new journal.

I'm so excited!

The world changes...

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Sat, 05 Aug 2006 16:46:22 GMT

Okay, another quote from Joseph Campbell and The Power of Myth.

This quote is from the same story about Indra. The priest of the Gods was telling Indra, “I am going to write you a book on the art of love so that you and your wife will know that in the wonderful mystery of the two that are one, Brahma is radiantly present also."

The part that has been running through my mind is “in the wonderful mystery of the two that are one.” I’ve been thinking of Matt and I. I’ve always thought of us as two people who are connected. Now I’m thinking that we are one who has been separated into two parts. It’s interesting to think that way.

When your thoughts change, the world changes. I always get a strange sensation when that happens.

(BTW, Kelsey just posted a poem in her GJ that is along the same lines.)

New Quote

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Sat, 05 Aug 2006 01:30:16 GMT

I'm listening to Bill Moyers interview with Joseph Campbell: "The Power of Myth" in my car at the moment. And I now have a new favorite quote.

"You are manifestation of the mystery of Brahma in the field of time. This is a high privilege. Appreciate it. Honor it. And deal with life as though you were what you really are."
Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

The whole story is quite lovely, and you can read it on this webpage if you would like.

I also found this passage quite interesting:

"There are a number of services that myths serve. The basic one is opening the world to the dimension of mystery. If you lose that, you don't have a mythology -- to realize the mystery that underlies all forms.

But then there comes the cosmological aspect of myth: seeing that mystery as manifest through all things, so that the universe becomes as it were a holy picture. You are always addressed to the transcendent mystery through that.

But then there is another function, and that is the sociological one of validating and maintaining a certain society. That is the side of the thing that has taken over in our world. Ethical laws. The laws of life in this society. All of Jehovah’s pages and pages and pages of what kind of clothes to wear, how to behave to each other, and all that -- you see, in terms of the values of this particular society.

But then there is a fourth function of myth, and this is the one that I think today everyone must try to relate to. That's the pedagogical function: how to live a human lifetime under any circumstances. Myth can tell you that."
Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

I've really enjoyed the series so far.

Learning from the Younger Generation

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 12:49:33 GMT

My house is beautiful... absolutely beautiful. Deb and seven of my young cousins came into town for two days and cleaned the house and yard. It was a whirlwind of activity. It was two days of working, cleaning, cooking, eating, playing, laughing. I had so much fun. If cleaning was always that much fun, my house would be spotless.

And of course I have some observations, as always. Three, in fact. :)

1) Other teenagers are attracted to Kels, Lins, Sean, and Justy like moths to a flame. And after being with those four for two days, I know why. When you are with them, you're happy. They are full of a warm, positive energy that comes from the inside. If you're feeling depressed or lonely, it all fades away -- like darkness exposed to a bright light -- when you're around the happy, positive, warm energy that these four people give off without even realizing it.

Of course people are attracted to them. Of course people want to be around them. They're like a drug -- you just feel content and happy when they are near. You forget all about war and crime and hate, and just enjoy their constant laughter.

How is this, you ask? Because they are happy. The whole time they were working, they were being silly and playing and laughing. When they were watching tv, they were giggling and talking. Even when they were just eating, they were having a good time, talking and joking and sharing.

I'm glad Mikey and Jojo are with them. It's a bright and happy place to be, and they fit right in. And I can see why Deb likes having the teenagers in her house. It really brightens the house -- makes it alive.

2) I've admired Kels for several years now. She is unique -- I mean, really unique. She stands out from the crowd because she follows her dreams and tries new things. She doesn't mind if she doesn't blend into the background. I've always tried to blend into the background, not wanting to be noticed. After watching her grow into the person she is today, I realize that I don't want to blend into the background anymore. It's okay to stand out... and even fun.

And I've always been close to Sean and Justy. In particular, Justy. We've been with Justin since he was a small boy, and he's always been close to our family.

Sean and Justy are always generally in a good mood and having a good time. Well, when they were here, they were working in the yard -- working for hours in the Texas summer heat in the yard. They were down to just their shorts and sandals, their bodies covered in sweat, working...

... and playing and joking and singing! If that had been me, I would have been working and complaining, and then when I finally came in, acting the matyr for having to do such hard work. Not them. They genuinely had a good time the whole time they were out there.

And I want to be like that. I want to be happy and full of energy while I work -- while I live -- like Sean and Justin do.

The funny thing is, several years ago I didn't think I had anything to learn from younger people. I thought, "I'm older, I've been through it, I know more." And though I do have more knowledge, that doesn't mean I know everything. And, after watching how my young cousins live, I certainly have things to learn -- nebulous things about life and how to live. They are now the ones I look up to and the ones I want to try to emulate.

3) I also noticed that Lins has a real gift with young children. I have that gift although I never meant to and I don't know how I came to have it -- I didn't even particularly want it. I would have rather had beauty or a lovely singing voice.

It truly is a gift though -- a divine gift. And Lins will discover this as she goes throughout life. Because of this gift, wonderful things are going to happen to her. Wonderful things happened to me, and now I wouldn't even think of trading that gift for beauty or a lovely singing voice.

Matt and I are trying to think of a way to thank Deb and the teenagers. What they did for us is amazing. Our house is truly beautiful now. I wander from room to room, and I feel so happy on the inside because it's just so pretty. I think it's the best birthday present I have ever got ever.

And though I didn't write much about Deb (mainly because I was so amazed by the wonderful energy of the teenagers -- all the laughter and joy that travels with them), she was just as incredible. What Deb brings with her is love. Deb loves people so much. She wants them to be happy, and she does whatever she can to make them happy.

There is a quote from Danielle Steele's novel The Ghost that goes something like "Children reflect the sunlight of their parents." There's a reason Kels and Lins are such wonderful people and a real joy to be around: Bruce and Deb are wonderful people and a real joy to be around.

Love and Prayers

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 18:39:47 GMT

Well, it started on my birthday. I got two really lovely birthday cards, one from Donna and Dad and one from Tumama. Carla watched Lily so Matt could take me to the movies. And then Mom, the Pipkins, and Shelly's household all called me on my birthday.

I guess that may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it meant a lot to me. I felt really loved on my birthday -- I mean, really loved -- because so many people had taken time out of their day just for my birthday.

So I was already feeling pretty darn special, and then Deb phones this morning and says, "Me, Kels, Lins, Mikey, and JoJo are all coming into town to clean your house for your birthday present. We're going to mow and edge the lawn, and steamclean all the carpets. We're going to clean the whole house."

What a present!! Matt said, "What did we do to deserve a house cleaning?" And I said, "I don't know. It's so sweet of them to do this." It really is a super present, so much so that I almost feel unworthy of it.

They decided to clean my house because of the recent journal entry I had posted about being depressed because my house was so filthy. Since I've written that entry, a mere three days ago, many things have happened. Matt and I bought a steam cleaner to clean the carpets and couches. I tidied up the whole house yesterday and started cooking again. Matt woke up this morning and said, "I have a lot of energy. I'm going to clean the garage today." (He's been working on it all morning, and it is looking much better.) And then Deb phones and says the Pipkin crew are coming down to do a complete cleaning of the house.

It all reminded me of one of Andrea Scher's journal entries I had read a long time ago. I am a compulsive list maker. I write lists for everything. And, for a long time, I felt a little ashamed of all my lists, littered throughout my house and my life, because I thought they made me seem a bit freakish. "Why does she make so many lists? What a weirdo." And then I read this journal entry, and for first the time, I was proud of my lists. She compared lists to prayers. A few quotes from the journal entry:

"These lists, the ones in the cigar box, are like my orders to the universe. The cigar box is my pnueumatic tube to heaven.... Maybe lists aren’t just lists to ourselves, but like placing our orders up to the universe. Maybe lists are like prayers."

With everything that happened after the journal entry where I vented about the state of my house, I thought: you know, maybe journal entries are also like prayers. They are sometimes written with heartfelt emotion, practically bleeding onto the page. Pleading, begging, bargaining. "Please..." And, apparently, they don't go un-heard.

You may see coincidence, but I'd rather see a conscious love. The world is much brighter, beautiful and more promising when viewed through that lens.

And, if some journal entries are prayers, then we must not forget the very important "Thank you" prayer. Thank you, universe, for listening to my cry in the night. Thank you, Deb, Kels, Lins, Mikey, JoJo and Matt, for helping me realize my dream of a clean house. Thank you everyone for thinking of me on my birthday.

Thank you.

Lily brushing her teeth

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 22:17:33 GMT

I haven't posted a picture in awhile, and photos really do break up text nicely. :)

This is Lily brushing her teeth back in April when Matt's parents were visiting.

Fear

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 13:42:24 GMT

I was thinking about my house again this morning. The thoughts rolled back to money as the solution again. "If we had more money, we could buy stuff so the house would be warmer -- not so stark and empty."

But then I thought, "That can be fixed with paint, not stuff. Stuff is clutter. Paint is color."

And then my old friend and the topic of this post appeared: fear. I've never done anything with any of my homes because I'm afraid I lack the creative talent to design a comfortable and inviting home. (Except when I was a small child. Children haven't learned to judge themselves -- and therefore hurt themselves -- yet.)

Fear of creating crap interior design, so I don’t even try. Fear of creating a crap book, so I don’t even try. Fear of being ugly, so I don’t even try.

I've lived in my personal world of fear for so long, it has become an integral part of my personality. It's woven into the pattern that is Angel.

But I don't want to live in fear anymore.

Since it's a part of my personality, it will be difficult to change. I've changed my personality in the past, so it's possible, but not easy. And I'm not even quite sure where to start.

I don't want to live in fear anymore. I want to create.

Maybe that's where I start: I want to create.

My House

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 18:47:38 GMT

The house is a mess. I mean truly a mess. I mess beyond fixing given our current state of finances. The carpets seemed ruined. Perhaps they’re not. Perhaps they would return to a normal shade of color without all the stains of dirt and mud and ink and animal vomit if we had them steamcleaned.

It really gets me down… very very very down. I walk around the house and feel a weight settle upon my shoulders as I look at each room, covered in dirt and mud. The couches covered in dog grease and ground-in dirt. The carpets so filthy that they still look dirty even after we vacuum them.

I don’t know what to do about it. I feel the same solution in my head that I feel about everything: oh, it would be better if we only had more money. If we had more money, I could put Lily in mother’s day out. If we had more money, I could get the carpets and couches steamcleaned. If we only had more money.

But of course, given conventional wisdom – wisdom passed down from our mothers and Disney movies – money is not the solution. Money is never the answer, says the spiritual leaders of our society.

So, if not money, what will relieve this pain of living in a filthy house? What will relieve this pain of taking care of a toddler by myself for at least 10 hours Monday through Friday? (Matt helps when he gets home from work and on the weekends.)

I haven’t found a solution obviously, but it does really help writing it down. I haven’t talked about the weight and depression that is fed by the filthiness of the house. The house smells like dog. Our bed smells like urine. The bathroom smells like ammonia (from the catbox not being cleaned out often enough).

I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to live in filth surrounded by dirt and foul smells. I can’t tell Matt any of this because he gets defensive. He is the provider, and the truth is, he has provided us with this lovely house and pays the bills and puts food on the table. We just haven’t cared for the house properly.

But I don’t know how to care for the house. I’m so tired. I have a toddler that clings to me. I wish I could describe exactly what it’s like to have a toddler. I am her world. I am everything to her. I am her entertainment; I am her food; I am her love; I am her teacher. She’s with me constantly and constantly interacting with me. I am consumed by her.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I do need a break from it. I can’t exist for another person all the time. I have my time to myself in the morning, during her naps, and at night after Matt gets home.

And it’s also not without its rewards. There is a love shared between mother and child that has no equal on this planet.

But it is tiring. And leaves me drained and with not much energy to do much else. And certainly not enough energy to maintain a 1350 sq ft house and the huge yard that comes with it.

So I’m sad. And happy. I’m happy because I have her and Matt. I’m sad because the house is truly filthy. I don’t like way it looks. And I really don’t like the way it smells. (I haven’t even mentioned the garage. It’s a nightmare.)

I want organization and light airy scents. I want flowers and mopped floors and toilets that shine. How does one create that when one has a toddler? How does one create that when one is so tired?

So I haven’t found a solution.

Maybe I should just try working. The truth is, I’m quite lazy. I hate cleaning. I hate cooking.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I liked cooking for a little while.

So maybe I’ve just lost my way. Maybe I should just get up, brush myself off, and try again. :)

I’m terrified about having another child. I’m already finding it very difficult to have time for me with just one child. What happens when I have two children who want me to be everything to them?

I just realized why I have a difficult time telling Matt any of this. He always begins to worry and wants to fix things. He takes the blame onto his own shoulders and I hurt him with these thoughts. I don’t mean to — I don’t want to. But whenever I’m discontent, he takes the blame and it hurts him. And since that was never my intent – my intent is merely to vent – I have a hard time talking to him about this.

(The baby is crying. Brb.) (Okay, it was a cry in her sleep. She’s fast asleep.)

So anyways…lost my stream of consciousness.

I want a clean house. I want to start eating healthy meals at home again. I think I’ll start today.

I guess that was the main thing that has been weighing on my mind. I’m still a bit nervous. I can hear the Censor. “You’ll never do it,” it says, “It’s not possible. The house is too big. You are too tired. You are too lazy.”

You know, when I was reading about the Censor in The Artist's Way, I thought, “I don’t have one.” I guess I was wrong. :)

And Julia Cameron wrote, (I’m paraphrasing) “Remember, the Censor is not speaking truth.” So these things aren’t true, but they feel true. How do you neutralize these non-truths that feel true? I guess the first step is to recognize that my mind is even saying these things. Like I said, I didn’t even think I had a Censor.

I don’t want these things to be true. I want it to be possible to have a clean house. I would love a clean house – love it. I’ve wanted a clean, warm, inviting, organized house for so long it has become a pain in my heart. I want to be surrounded by happiness and warmth.

That’s what I want to create. That’s why I want to defy my Censor.

I shall begin today. Perhaps I’ll report on my progress tomorrow.

Oh, that brings up another thing – I want the same thing in my personal appearance. I want clear and bright skin and hair. I want to wear clothes that express fun and are not merely functional… even drab as they are now. I loved the clothes in The Devil Wears Prada. The way they draped; the way they fit the body.

I want to change so badly!! Not my inner core. For the most part, I really like who I am. I want to change where I live – both my house and my body.

I can do it. I can do it. I will do it. It’s very exciting. :)

Stretching...

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Wed, 05 Jul 2006 18:44:39 GMT

I don't have anything amazing to write. I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing journal entries. I haven't done so for awhile, and I'm a bit stale. But I really enjoy reading my other family members' journal entries, so I feel I should start up again.

I learn what is going on in my family's lives when I read their online journals, and also, as I've learned from reading Kelsey's journal, I learn special and wonderful things about the person that I would never have discovered in normal interactions. Since journals are just a place for rambling thoughts, not only do I keep up on the events in their lives, I also get to hear their thoughts. It's really nice and.... special. Very very special -- like a gift. I open the tiny box wrought from silver so precious that it looks like woven moonlight, and inside, shining brightly, is the person's light. That's how I feel when I read my family's online journals -- that's what I see.

So here I am, trying to get back into the habit of writing in my online journal. It's a lovely way to share thoughts.

I've been writing. I added a large section to Chapter One and finished Chapter Two. These are, of course, just drafts and everything will probably be heavily rewritten by the end. So, for anyone who is keeping up with the progress, I'm afraid you really are reading a work-in-progress that will be constantly editted. I hope that's not too annoying.

They are hiring a junior programmer at Matt's work, and they looked at the personal webpage of one of the applicants. He was a hardcore goth and obvious outcast geek, and they decided not to interview him because they didn't think his personality would fit into their workplace culture.

It made me sad that Matt so perfunctorily dismissed an outcast geek. I am an outcast geek. I may not look like it. I don't program; I don't watch Star Trek; I don't ever religiously attend the UT Anime Club anymore, but I am still an outcast geek. (I'm a tree-hugging liberal hippy as well, although I don't wear any of the hippy accoutrements.) I was one of the nerdy kids in high school who couldn't talk to boys to save my life and participated in Academic Decathlon. I got A's in all my classes without studying and aced the SAT like it was a 3rd grade quiz. (And then promptly failed loads of courses in college, like many an outcast geek. We just didn't know how to study since we never had to before.) Anyways, that made me a little sad, to see one of my own not even given a chance.

The other thing that occurred to me: I wonder if my online presence will ever influence some real life situation like this fellow's webpage lost him the interview. I wouldn't change my online space. Part of me lives here now, and it's a comfortable place for me. I like it. But it is interesting to think how our little virtual presence effects the physical world we live in.

I should probably write now. I've been putting it off for a couple of days. I don't want to fall out of the habit.

Feeling better

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 13:53:25 GMT

I'm in a much better mood today. I was feeling very trapped by Lily yesterday which I think is pretty obvious by the entry.

That's the thing about journals: they are like photographs in that they capture a single moment in time. But life isn't static, and so moods, thoughts, actions -- everything -- constantly moves. But a journal entry is a written photograph of a moment -- a single emotion or idea captured in words.

(It's nice to be writing again, even if it's just journal entries. I haven't written in a very very long time.)

Toddlers are just so much work. Mothers of grown-up children always tell me, "Oh, before you even blink, they are 25 and moved out of the house. It happens too fast." And I want to reply, "Not when you have a toddler. When you have a toddler, time stands still." But I don't say that. I will probably be saying the same exact thing they are saying when Lily is 25-years-old.

I read a comic strip by Shannon Wheeler where one of the characters said, "Somewhere between expectation and nostalgia, you think I would have been happy." It seems a very sad statement, but there is a bit of truth to it... just a bit. I don't want it to be completely true because it is too sad. But sometimes, the moment is difficult and painful.

Anyways, blah blah blah -- I'm feeling much better now. I'm off to Taco Cabana with the Munchkin to get some breakfast now.

Where have I been?

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 21:10:06 GMT

I've been trying to form some identity other than "Lily's mom." I feel like I don't exist anymore; I am merely an extension of Lily. I have been consumed by a toddler. Even as I write this, I am standing up at my desk to type because if I sit down she will crawl over me. Between every other word, I stop to take something she has grasped from my desk and return it but farther up on the desk just beyond her reach.

I can do nothing that I want to do. It's difficult to even write a journal entry. I only exist for her.

And I am so sad.... so so sad. Each day is a weight; each minute feels like indentured servitude. And I'm angry at being in this situation.

And then there is the inevitable guilt for even thinking these thoughts. A endless loop of guilt, sadness, and anger. Looping and looping and looping, day after day.

I love her so much, and I'm missing these precious moments in her life as my vision and emotions are covered with so much unhappiness.

I've got to change something, but what? This isn't right for either her or I.

I'm so unhappy....

Let go.

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 16:12:50 GMT

I keep having a horse show up in my daydreams. I don't do my thinking only in words -- I think a lot in pictures, metaphors, and symbols. Perhaps a lot of people think this way, I don't know. But I definitely do.

And then my conscious mind has to interpret the symbols. It's actually a lot of fun. When I was younger, from a small child through my college years, I thought in symbols and metaphors a lot. Then my mind became more literal and lingual. For many years, the metaphors were gone. I missed them. It was always fun interpreting the images.

And then out of nowhere, after years of literal thinking, along comes a horse. It was when I was feeling happy and free, my mind would show me a horse galloping with freedom and majesty. Sometimes I would be riding the horse, sometimes it was just the horse running in the wild.

At first I thought, "Oh that's a pretty image" and give it no more thought. The metaphors had been missing from my life for so long. But the horse kept coming back again and again. Then I would be petting the horse, stroking him under the neck and feeling his muscle, strength, and his unbounded freedom and happiness with my hands.

I finally got the hint. My mind was giving me a symbol, or the universe was giving me a message. Something.

So I looked up horse animal totems on the net. However, none of the information I found helped. None of it corresponded to what I was feeling. There was a disconnect between the information on the web and the feelings inside me when this horse would visit.

Then, when the horse showed up again, majestic and beautiful -- full of life and love -- I simply asked him, "Why are you here?" And he said, "Let go."

That's all he would say whenever I asked a question. "Let go."

Let go of the fear that's holding me back. Let go of the lack of self-confidence. Let go of the cage I have kept myself in. Let go and live.

It's nice to be thinking in metaphors again. I highly recommend it. Although the answers do sometimes come in riddles.

IM Conversation with Matt

[10:19] The Honey Bear: so whats "Let Go" mean to you?

[10:20] Angel: Let go of the worry. Let go of the all the self-deprecating thoughts. Let go of the fear. Let go, and love and live.

[10:20] The Honey Bear: sounds good to me. Well, time to move forward, get that degree, write that book

[10:21] Angel: Lol :))

[10:21] Angel: Yes, I think that's what Mr Horse had come to tell me.

I would connect.

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Wed, 18 Jan 2006 22:40:31 GMT

So I've been writing every day while the baby takes her nap. And writing can be very difficult sometimes because you don't know if what you have written is utter shite or not. So I have a quote I have been repeating to myself to keep the doubt at bay: What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

So the doubt came creeping at my doorstep today, and I repeated my mantra: "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" I would write a book. And not just a book -- a masterpiece -- a novel that would touch someone.

I would connect.

And that's when it dawned on me why I write. It's to connect. Other people go to parties or talk on the phone. I write. I write to connect... to feel another.

And now I know why I love to write. It's a lovely reason, don't you think? :)

Photos

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 01:45:31 GMT

I've been surfing blogs, and quite a few blogs post a picture with each entry. I really like this idea. I probably won't post a picture with every entry, but I am going to start posting pictures. Photos are very entertaining.

This is my super amazing husband (sometimes I can't believe my luck in having him for a husband) and my beautiful daughter in a trackie that her Auntie Shelly bought her for her first birthday.

Writing

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 03:18:56 GMT

Writing is actually fun this time. I'm going slower and not putting so much pressure on myself to already be finished. I'm trying to craft each sentence, each paragraph. It's a lot of fun.

But it does take time. I probably spent four hours on writing today. I don't know if I can spend that kind of time everyday. I still need to cook, do the dishes, the laundry, balance the check register, pay the bills, take Lily to her playdates, give Lily her bath, etc etc etc. Being a housewife is a tough gig. And very time-consuming. But writing offers me peace so I can be a better mom and wife, so I think it's necessary to keep it in the normal routine.

Restless

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 21:55:13 GMT

I feel restless. It's an undefined sense of need and desire pushing on the inside of me. Do it! Do it!! But my subconscious has failed to tell me what "it" is. So I feel restless with no direction.

A craving, a yearning, a hunger... but for what?

Create.

Hey Chiquita...

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 03:29:56 GMT

"Hey Chiquita, what's up with the new layout?" you ask. Well by golly, let me tell you. I'm playing around with the design for my fabulous new website and I had to change the colors and width of my LJ to fit into the design. Matt made the design for me. He's quite creative. It's obvious that he's his mother's son. (His mother is a very talented artist.) Check it out: Angel's Desk.

New Domain!

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Sun, 08 Jan 2006 23:34:52 GMT

I did it! I registered a domain and signed up for hosting! I'm so excited! I'm just so happy. *sniff sniff* I think I'm going to cry.

It will take a couple of days for the domain name registration to complete and the DNS servers to populate. My domain name is www.angelsdesk.com. What will I put up? I have to come up with a design! I'm so excited. Lovely domain... lovely lovely domain... :))

Blogs and Photography

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Sun, 08 Jan 2006 14:14:43 GMT

I love this woman's blog. All the other blogs I read regularly are people who I know. This lady, Andrea Scher, has such interesting thoughts about life, and I love her photography! It makes me want to go get a camera and photograph the world. I've even been cruising Nikon's and Canon's websites. It's been a long time since I've had a decent camera.

I've also been longing for my own website. That desire should burst open soon; it has been building inside of me for awhile. And I'll have my own website again. A home on the web again -- a place to create. *sigh* It's been a long time. I just haven't settled on a domain name yet....

Clouds Clearing

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Sun, 08 Jan 2006 13:57:09 GMT

Man, have I been funked out! One of three things could have caused it: 1) my monthly emotional cycle; 2) I'm taking Claritin everyday right now because of the Cedar and the Claritin may be causing it; or 3) I gave up sugar for the New Year. I haven't had sugar since midnight Dec 31st, and I may be going through sugar withdrawal -- yes, such a thing exists :). (Sugar is bad news for a lot of folks in my family. Our minds and bodies can't handle it. My dad and my uncle have already developed Type II diabetes, and my mom and I are headed that way unless we clean up our diets.)

I really hope it's not the Claritin. Cedar pollen will be in the air for another month-ish, and I have to take it everyday just to function.

Anyways, I feel the clouds clearing in my mind. I hate being in a funk -- just hate it. And Matt feels the full force of my funks because he lives with me. I'm adding exercise into my daily routine to help defend against the funks.

Yesterday, I asked Matt why he really believed that I would quit eating sugar this time. I've tried so many times and failed. What made this time different? He said that you have to believe every time you try something, or you are just setting yourself up for failure. And, the funny thing is, I do believe I'll do something every time I try it -- every single time I try something, I believe in my heart that this will be the time I succeed. And then one day, I turn that corner without even realizing it, and I succeed.

This time I really am going to do regular exercise. This time I really am going to write a book. This time I really am going to stay off the sugar.

This time, I feel great!

Writing

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Thu, 05 Jan 2006 21:12:28 GMT

I tried to write last night, and I wilted. I can write until I'm blue in the face in my journals (online and off), but, when I sit down to write my novel -- my opus -- I crumple up into the corner, destroyed by my own doubts and lack of self-confidence.

It's so silly really. Why would I be given the desire to write, but then the crippling doubt that makes it nigh impossible? I don't have writer's block; I have writer's doubt.

*sigh* I'll try again tonight. One night, I'll break through that wall of doubt and be on the other side. :)

Hope and Promise

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 16:41:52 GMT

I'm in the mood to write. I'm in the mood to create. But the reality of the situation is that we have all been sick for a week, and the house has become... well... let's just call it "messy," shall we? That's a nice euphemism. We also have no clothes, and all my plants are begging for water. Everything was on hold for a week while we wallowed around in misery, and I prayed to {insert name of god here} to just let me and my family get better and out of that microcosm of pain.

What story should I write? A fantastic story? An inspirational and silly story? An autobiographical story? Whatever I choose to write in 2006, I need to actually finish a story. Shelly has this problem as well. Many beginnings and no endings. And Shelly is a very good writer; she writes romances.

I was thinking about Shelly and her lack of self-confidence when it comes to her own writing. I've read the beginnings of her stories, and she's very good -- real potential. But she doesn't see it. She doesn't see her own talent because her debilitating doubt blocks the view. And of course I thought of myself. Matt is always telling me that I am a good writer. Maybe I am. Maybe my own debilitating self-doubt blocks my view.

Shelly and I both want to finish a book this year. Maybe 2006 is the year. Maybe this is our year. :)

Purged and Listed

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Mon, 02 Jan 2006 13:48:27 GMT

I purged and listed for the New Year... although I would like to purge some more. I backed up all my 2005 email and my 2005 financial records onto CD, and then deleted them from the computer. My inbox and my check register are shiny and empty now, waiting to fill up with new adventures.

Now I'm ready to do more purging in my house. Time to go through the closet and get rid of clothes I haven't worn in a year. Time to clean out drawers. And definitely time to clean out the garage. There is so much I can throw away, recycle, or send to Goodwill.

Purge purge purge. It's so cathartic. The now can't squeeze into my life when it is cluttered with the past.

It makes Matt nervous when I purge though. He's not a purger. But I just can't help it. I love the feeling of letting go, and then watching what new things flow in. It's like unblocking a stream, and then feeling the fresh, cool water flow past your skin.

I love the New Year. It's a time of hope and promise.

Sick

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Sun, 01 Jan 2006 21:22:43 GMT

We have all been really sick this past week. It's the sickest I've been in over ten years. Matt actually called in sick to work every day last week.

Today has been the first day that I have even begun to feel normal. I was surrounded by this dark haze of pain, and now I can see outside myself again. And I was walking around the house a moment ago, and it is a wreck!! Our house hasn't been this bad in awhile. It's so bad because we've all been sick for a week. There's stuff everywhere.

Time to clean up. :) Boy, I'm glad I'm feeling better. I'm still a little ill, but at least I'm not in the nightmare of pain that I was in -- that we all were in.

Christmas

atwoodings@austin.rr.com — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 14:07:45 GMT

Christmas is two days away, and I'm very excited about it. :) We have most of our Christmas presents completed and wrapped... we handmade about half the presents this year. We're heading out to my dad's house in Conroe early tomorrow morning. We're hoping to be on the road by 5:30am. We have to leave that early because we have to travel while the baby is sleeping. She doesn't take kindly to being stuck in her carseat for long periods of time. We're also taking Sarah and Logan in our car, and it's better if Logan sleeps during the journey as well. Long car journeys are painful for small kids.

And Matt didn't have to go to work today! I'm so happy when he stays home. He and the Munch went to the post office and then are picking up McDs for breakfast on the way home. *sigh* I love Christmas. And did I mention my husband has off today? And Monday as well. :)